How to live with loss: When grief overwhelms you

In his heartbreaking poem “Funeral Blues”, WH Auden equates the immense grief of losing a loved one to a new reality where “nothing now can ever come to any good”. Loss is indeed the universal equaliser – an inevitable part of life none of us can escape. It confronts us in various forms: the death of a loved one, divorce, retrenchment, the end of a friendship, or the onset of disease.

Grief is what follows loss. It is a deeply personal and emotional reaction with no timeline attached. Some say it is the price of love; the stronger our connection to those or that which we have lost, the deeper our grief. Grief alters how we view the world and our place in it and may ultimately affect us so severely that it renders us debilitated and unable to function normally.

But what is considered “normal” when grieving? What emotions can we expect? When should we ask for help, and how do we begin to pick up the pieces and move forward?

Stages of mourning

End-of-life doula and Medihelper with a big heart, Alida Pretorius, who spiritually, emotionally, and practically guides and supports those at the end stage of life and their families, defines grief as “a natural process that your entire being – body, mind, and soul – follows after a significant loss”. For her, grief equals disruption, as it throws your life into disarray and turns your routine, thinking patterns, personality traits, and beliefs upside down.

Grief, in essence, can make you feel as if everything has changed, leaving you with no idea how to navigate this new reality and work towards a place of acceptance and the ability to feel joy again.

Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, author of the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying (1969), conducted pioneering research on near-death experiences, palliative care, and the process of death and dying in general.

To this day, her five stages of grief model (also known as the Kübler-Ross model) remains one of the most preferred frameworks for comprehending the grieving process. Bereavement counsellor Anouka Haese-Petr from Brooklyn, Pretoria, has not yet found a client who did not go through these stages, namely, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

She believes this model to be invaluable for understanding one’s emotions when processing loss, as connecting and surrendering to these stages hold the key to the healing process. “I have an entire session dedicated to these stages of grief. The client learns and understands how it works, what they can expect, and how to work through it,” she explains. “This relieves a lot of pressure, as they understand themselves and their emotions better.”

When grief gets complicated

Although many therapists emphasise that there is no “right” way to grieve and that one would not necessarily experience all of the mentioned stages, nor in any particular order, the pain of a significant loss should lessen with time as you move towards acceptance. However, when you get stuck in a long-term depression that prohibits you from resuming your daily life and relationships, it may be a sign of complicated grief. This is a state where your loss remains unresolved, even reaching a point where you feel life isn’t worth living anymore.

Recognising the difference between a so-called normal and dangerous state of depression seems complicated in itself. Alida explains that there will be days when everything seems pointless, and you won’t even be able to gather the strength to get out of bed. Anouka concurs, stating that it is “very normal” to experience depression for some time after a loss and to seemingly not get better.

For her, the real danger lies in not dealing with the loss or not going through the grieving process. Denial and hoping it will all just get better quickly is also a problem.

Anouka believes you should seek help and support as soon as possible. “The sooner you start the healing process, the sooner you will heal.” Whether it’s therapy or medication such as antidepressants, it remains imperative to seek professional help when depression has impaired you to the point where you are completely unable to function in your daily life.

How do we deal with grief?

By grieving, says Anouka. She urges those dealing with loss to seek counselling. Talk it through and take time to connect with the full spectrum of emotions. But it is crucial to be kind and gentle with yourself. “Lower your expectations. Allow yourself the space to work through it,” she advises. “Seek out time with good friends if you get lonely, and consider a creative pastime or hobby, like painting or gardening – activities that can be deeply therapeutic.”

“Moving towards acceptance keeps you going”, Alida concludes. As the process of grief becomes a pathway to healing, you are reminded not only of your fragility but also of your inner strength and resilience.

You realise that you are not defined by what you have lost but enhanced by the support of others who will show up to help you rebuild your life. By giving yourself permission to grieve fully, understand the process, and recognise when help is needed, you’ll find the courage to, once again, live a fulfilling, meaningful, and joyous life.

Written for Medihelp by Maritha Broschk