We all know that bad parenting includes a broad spectrum of abhorrent behaviour, ranging from apathy and neglect to emotional and physical abuse. But did you know that over-parenting – when you are simply doing too much for your children – could also be harmful? Here’s why.

The trap of default caregiving

Have you ever heard of the “default parent”? If not, you might not be the one wearing this particular badge of honour. Simply put, the default parent is the one within a two-parent setup who carries the biggest load when catering to their children’s emotional, physical, and logistical needs.

Typically (but not always), this role falls to mothers. It includes monitoring and coordinating school events, dentist appointments, extracurricular activities, social plans, wardrobe deficiencies, questionable hair days, and boyfriend/girlfriend issues. The default parent is the go-to parent when aches, pains, cravings, and snack attacks arise. They’re the one who needs to see the teacher, race to the mall to buy the umpteenth math set, and stay up late to cover yet another textbook in plastic. And they’re the tragic soul hunting for that particular pair of trainers for tomorrow’s all-important hockey game.

Some are stay-at-home parents. Some work from home or juggle full-time careers outside of their homes. Some have their own businesses, care for elderly parents, or are involved in various community projects.

"Point is, default parents have a higher risk of burning the candle at both ends, ultimately leading to burnout and related health issues."

Signs of parental burnout

Clinical psychologist and well-known columnist Dr Robyn Koslowitz outlines three primary consequences of parental burnout: exhaustion, detachment, and inefficacy.

• Exhaustion occurs when a parent operates in continual survival mode without ever fully recharging. Feelings of guilt (for not coping), stress, and children waking up at night or too early in the morning lead to disturbed sleep and further exhaustion.
• As fatigue worsens, a sense of detachment sets in, where parents start to derive less pleasure from interactions with their children and struggle to connect emotionally.
• This could, in turn, severely impact their capacity to handle challenges, making them feel ineffective and inadequate.

Fixing it: nurturing yourself to be a better nurturer

Yes, it is all about self-care – the metaphorical oxygen mask we claim for ourselves before helping others. Unfortunately, for many parents, this remains the last priority as the needs of their children take precedence. Always.

To avoid burnout and create a healthier balance, renowned psychologist Adam Borland advises parents “to challenge the notion that self-care is selfish”. In fact, it’s not just deserved but necessary.

"A parent who takes time to recharge is a happier, healthier, and more attentive (read: better) parent."

Borland explains that due to the false belief that parents should not take time for themselves, it’s best to bypass spontaneity and add a daily self-care routine to your to-do list. Yes, you should literally pencil it in as non-negotiable. “You have to carve out time,” he says, “and you have to do it without a sense of guilt.”

How to squeeze self-care into your schedule

But how does one practice self-care as a parent who’s already stretched too thin, and where do you find the time? Self-care doesn’t need to be time-consuming or costly. Here are a few tips.

1. Use bite-sized blocks
   Consider smaller time blocks, such as 10 minutes of meditation, walking the dog, chatting on the phone, or soaking up the sun with a cup of tea.
2. Get a new hobby or rediscover an old one
   If you used to indulge in 10 hours a week of scrapbooking BC (Before Children), opt for two or even less, but just do it.
3. Exercise
   There’s no need to elaborate on the benefits. Try shorter bursts of high-intensity workouts (there are highly effective five- to seven-minute workouts available online), rebounding (did you know that 20 minutes of jumping could equal one hour of running?), or a few restorative yoga poses.
4. Breathe
   Box breathing (inhaling, holding your breath, exhaling slowly, and then holding again for four seconds at a time) is said to activate the parasympathetic nervous system to bring about a sense of calm and focus. Start with two minutes a day and gradually increase.
5. Keep a gratitude journal
   Write down five things you’re grateful for each day. It’s impossible to feel grateful and resentful simultaneously, and it revitalises the soul. Try it.
6. Spend time with other adults
   Start a book club, join a Pilates class, or take up pottery. It’s vital for your mental health.
7. Make sure you get at least seven hours of sleep a night
   Sleep is how our brains and bodies recover.
8. Spend quality time with your partner
   Even if it means having a date night on your very own patio at least once a week. No talking about the kids allowed.
9. Seek help if you need it
   Most importantly, if you keep feeling stuck, listless, and overwhelmed, seek professional help.

Taking care of yourself isn’t a luxury – it’s a necessity. When you set healthy boundaries and make space for your own needs, you model balance and emotional well-being for your children. In doing so, you become a more resilient and connected parent.

Written for Medihelp by Maritha Broschk