Turning teenage anxiety inside out

When your teenager storms in from school, slams several doors, and refuses to emerge for supper, it’s business as usual, right? So you roll your eyes, resist the urge to remove all interior doors, and save a plate of food for late-night consumption with extreme prejudice.

You know from experience that tomorrow will be better, and said teenager will probably be in good spirits then. But what do you do when things don’t get better? When it goes beyond normal teenage behaviour and is actually a symptom of anxiety? What do you do when anxiety starts affecting your child’s ability to navigate daily life?

Teen challenges

Teenagers find themselves in a precarious balance between unlimited potential and profound vulnerability. They live in a time when they have more resources and choices than ever, but the pressure is also greater than ever.

Teens must fit in but also stand out; look good but not try too hard; be popular but also perform well at school; and the list of contradictions goes on. It’s no wonder teenagers are experiencing anxiety. It’s also no surprise that Disney and Pixar felt prompted to release the movie Inside Out 2, addressing this complex emotion.

But how do you help your teenager cope with anxiety without turning into a nervous wreck yourself? Help is at hand.

Creating a safe space

Parenting a child at any age is all about reinforcing your family values, initiating open communication, and providing a safe place for the whole family to decompress and ask for help, says Sue Botha, a psychologist from Pretoria with 23 years’ private practice experience.

She believes the values you establish when your children are younger – such as honesty, accountability, love, and respect – paired with open, healthy communication, can lay the groundwork to navigate the perils of adolescent anxiety. Sue explains, “Anxiety is a normal emotion, and you can help your teenager cope by nurturing your relationship and providing a safe space to decompress.”

“In practical terms, this means learning simple but effective communication techniques and providing reassuring support while leaving accountability for their behaviour solidly in their court,” she says.

Two helpful communication techniques

1. Confrontation, but not in the way you think

The best kind of confrontation is not confrontational. It rests on “I” messages and has a simple four-part formula. Let’s look at an example:

• Start with a simple “I/me” statement: “When people shout at me out of the blue…”
• Explain how it makes you feel: “…I feel confused…”
• State the implication: “…and then I can’t think straight to help them solve the problem.”
• Create an expectation: “I like it when people tell me what the problem is so I can help them find ways to make things better.”

Keep your language neutral and use general terms like “people” instead of “you” to keep your communication from sounding accusing. This also teaches your child the ability to express their emotions in a healthy way.

2. Reflective listening

This is the simple practice of listening intently and then mirroring back what you observe. Use statements such as “I see/hear” or “it looks like/sounds like”. Keep it simple and state what you observe in a neutral way.

You could say, for example, “Wow, it looks like you had an awful day.” This confirms to your child that you notice them and care about them. The floor is now open for them to respond. It may not happen immediately, but when they do, keep listening intently and keep mirroring what you hear.

Once your child has had the opportunity to talk about the problem, ask them how they think they could approach a solution. This teaches them to calm down, think logically, and take responsibility for their own actions.

Repeating this process regularly empowers your teen to handle intense emotions and challenging situations on their own in the future. It also reassures them that you are always available to act as a sounding board.

Nurture your relationship and reinforce your values

Connecting with your child should be a daily practice and not just a fallback for crisis moments. Use your communication skills to also “confront” and mirror positive situations, for example: “I can see you had a fantastic day! Tell me all about it.” Then keep mirroring what you hear and see, and provide positive feedback that reinforces your family values: “Wow, I am so proud of you for being so responsible” or “I know it must have been difficult to be honest in that scary situation, but you did it anyway. You are awesome.”

Implementing these strategies on an ongoing basis will help you build a trusting relationship with your child. This will build a solid foundation to fall back on in challenging situations. Taming teenage anxiety is, therefore, not a quick-fix to-do list, but rather a steady, long-term practice of relationship building and healthy, open communication.

Warning signs that your child might experience overwhelming anxiety

Sue says that any sudden and/or drastic change in your child’s behaviour could signal overwhelming stress and anxiety. You know your child best and will be able to identify abnormal behaviour. Below are some examples.

• Drastic changes in behaviour like frequent outbursts if the child is normally quiet and level-headed or sudden apathy if they are normally energetic;
• A sudden change in appetite, such as over-eating or barely eating;
• Sleep-pattern disturbances. Most teenagers stay up late and sleep at odd times, but if your child suddenly sleeps all the time or starts suffering from insomnia, anxiety could be to blame;
• Extreme isolation. Teenagers normally spend many hours alone behind closed doors, but they shouldn’t refuse to interact with anybody or avoid all contact with friends and family;
• Prolonged edgy, irritable behaviour; and
• Frequent fatigue and difficulty concentrating.

When to get professional help

If your teenager’s anxiety symptoms persist for longer than two weeks and/or interfere with their normal daily life, they should see a doctor. Your doctor will ask them about their symptoms, may do a physical examination, and recommend treatment. This could include a referral to a mental health specialist and temporary anti-anxiety medication.